#TearsStillFall

We said goodbye to Joey in December, 2017. While that first year was a roller coaster ride for me, with lots of highs and lows as I processed my grief, the Fall season brought on my biggest struggles.

As we approach the holidays, and the anniversary of Joey’s passing, his absence weighs heavily on me. Remembering all the adventures he went on this time of year last year makes me happy, but also makes me sad knowing that he’s not going to be on this year’s adventures. As I put the finishing touches on the 2019 Calendars, tears well up in my eyes, because while I am including him, it’s of course older photos. There are no new ones to share.

For the holidays, we usually take a family photo. For quite a while, I’ve been resistant to taking one this year. I just can’t imagine having a family photo without him. But, I’ve changed my thinking. I want to capture this moment of our lives…as it is. I want to be able to look back and remember this year, the ups and the downs. I’m not ready to replace last year’s family portrait that hangs over the mantle. Jax may just have to be a baby for years! But, I want to have a portrait to remember our lives in this moment.

I share all of this in hopes that it might help someone else. If you’ve recently (or long ago) lost your loved one…know that you’re not alone. There are ups and downs. Their memories bring smiles and tears. But, they would want us to go on. They would want us to live in the moment and be present…just like they always were. Everywhere we go, everything we do…they’re with us…in our hearts and in our memories!

I shouldn’t really be surprised that I’m having the same feelings about Pebbles. Although not as close as Joey’s Angel Anniversary, we are approaching one year without Pebbles. We’re working on our Fall and Winter photographs, which highlights her absence. I’m going through all the photos we have taken this year to select the perfect ones for our 2024 Calendars, and I’m having to face the fact that I have no new photographs of Pebbles.

While her absence is always felt. It’s easier to push through the day to day activities, without dwelling on the fact that she’s no longer here. But, these moments of looking through photos, or making plans for future photo shoots, makes it so obviously clear that she’s not physically here with us, and she never will be again. 

We’re getting closer to that one-year mark. We’re starting to do all the big activities, and she’s not here. No Halloween costume for Pebs. No Christmas letter from Pebbles. There will be no more family photos that include Pebbles. All the photos for our calendars will be old photos of Pebbles. There’s something very finite about all of that!

As I’ve shared before, I know it’s all a part of the grieving process. The ebb and flow of sadness and peace. While tears well up in my eyes, as I’m looking back through my photos, I am also able to recognize, how rough things were at the end for her. My last few months of photographs of her, show me a Pebbles who was struggling, a Pebbles who had forgotten so many things, a Pebbles who had moments of clarity, but really wasn’t the Pebbles we had known for so many years. So, while it breaks my heart to know that I will never hold her in my arms again, feel her kisses on my hand, or see her strut her stuff on the hiking trail, I know that letting her go was the right decision. That doesn’t mean the tears don’t still fall, or that the grief doesn’t still overwhelm me at times, but I take comfort in the fact that we made the right decision for her.

She gave us the gift of her life, the gift of her unconditional love and the gift of her teachings, and we loved her with all of our hearts, through every up and down, and when the time came, we let her go!

"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go." - Mary Oliver

Over the years, I have found that writing and sharing my thoughts and feelings has helped me process them, along with bringing me clarity and awareness. So while part of me shares all this for my own benefit, I hope that it also helps you!

Know that if you are struggling with a loss, with a heartache, with grief, that you are not alone! We may not all experience it the exact same way, but we can relate. We understand the heartbreak, the tears, and we also understand the memories, the smiles and the gift of unconditional love.

Opening my heart and sharing Joey’s story was so healing for me, and I’ve been told by many that reading it has been healing for them. My hope is to let you know that you are not alone!

“Your book is beautiful. The story is beautiful, and your squad is just adorable. Guiness was my light, my world, my everything. I lost my little light on the 27th and I’ve been so very, very lost. I read a little bit of your book every night. Thank you for your story.”

“I am so glad you wrote it. In a time where the world seems upside and down and uncertain at times we can always find love and happiness in our pups. Your family is amazing and I’m so glad our paths have crossed and we can enjoy your adventures even here in Connecticut through technology. Thank you so much for sharing your story on a subject that is very difficult to imagine but is reality.”

If you ever need someone to talk to, someone to listen, or just someone to hold your hand, even virtually, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I Understand!!